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THE SPERM SELLING BUSINESS IS SUPER COMPETITIVE

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Pretty much every guy at some point thinks about participating in a cum-for-cash scheme. Guys cum all the time. In fact, I bet you’re cumming right now. So why not get paid for it?

After some googling, I found out that there are general criteria for selling your sperm, including having, or pursuing, a college degree, being over 5’9’’, being free of drugs, being from a family that’s free of mental illness, and possessing a high sperm count.

I have a BA, I’m neither mental or a drug addict, I’m tall, handsome and charming, and quite the virile man (ladies?), so I figured this would be as easy as rubbing off a log.

I sought out the bank that would pay the highest possible amount for my tadpole kin. The most remunerative group for my rudiment is Cryos New York. They offer $500 a pop, and up to $600 for an “open donation,” where your kids come and find you later in life.

If I am going to be a dead-beat dad, I don’t need to know about it, so I filled out my application for closed donations only. After filling out my 10-page application form, I sent it to Cryos Bank, and I was thoroughly excited to begin my career as a freelance masturbator.

The next day, I was invited to go to Cryos Bank, where I met a well endowed a nurse named Jennifer. She told me most of the guys who came in were dumb and ugly, and they were thrilled to have someone like me donate. As I went in to the room to do my business, I dropped my pants when suddenly Jennifer entered the room wearing a lace corset, “Need help,” she asked in a sexy, whispery voice.

Oh wait, that’s what I imagined happened. Actually, within 24 hours, I received an email that my application was rejected. Talk about a downer. I felt like I was told I didn’t get into the University Of Phoenix.

Over the course of the next week, I applied to a few other sperm banks and was universally rejected without so much as a visit to an office. It turns out—in a paltry salvation to my confidence—the financial recession has made sperm donating a competitive business. Sperm donation applications have doubled while woman looking for insemination has dropped. Cryos Bank brags it has a 1% acceptance rate and is “harder to get in than Harvard.”

After a few weeks of continued unemployment, I was franticly researching whether debtors’ prison was still a thing, afraid I might have an impending bunking session with someone who maxed out their credit card on webcam girls and impulse QVC purchases.

Eager to get at least something for my man-milt, I decided to take a different approach this time around. Instead of shopping for the best in the business, I went for the worst. Dive bars are cool, right? Why can’t the same be said for sperm banks?

The one that seemed to be the crappiest was Idant Labs, with a 90s website featuring stock photos of lab attendants looking into microscopes. They pay donors a whopping $60 per donation. Seemed to me like, outside of smuggling my semen out of debtors’ prison, it wasn’t getting any lower than this, so I sent them an application. Sure enough, I was immediately accepted, and I made an appointment to visit their office.

Upon my arrival I was handed some paperwork with a bunch of hilarious questions.

If I knew what my future goals were, I wouldn’t be selling my sperm. How many people aspiring to win a Nobel Prize in physics made their living jerking off into plastic cups? Also, really? A message to pass along to the unfortunate recipients of my semen? I wanted to write, “That’s what you get for coming to a place like this,” but in the name of decency I refrained.

Question 7 kind of freaked me out. Is there an all of the above option?

As I handed in my paperwork to the doctor, I was asked if I “abstained” for five days—as outlined in the initial email they sent me. This is absolutely impossible for me. It has become second nature for me to masturbate; a bird flies, a fish swims, a WWE wrestler beats his wife, and I masturbate everyday.

The doctor looked at me skeptically, “Male fertility is on the decline. Many men can’t produce enough semen to donate. A donor gets three tries to donate a sample within our sperm count range. Most potential donors can’t get there”

“Although, we once had one guy who could donate three times a week, he was very unusual.” He beamed as if this guy was the Honus Wagner baseball card of masturbating.

I was then escorted into a little room where it was time to do my thing. There was a tiny 12’’ TV with a VHS player for my pornographic pleasure. Conveniently, there were only DVDs available. I tried playing the DVDs in the VHS player hoping for a pornographic miracle, to no avail.

Since the TV was a no go, there was the standard fair of old Playboy and Penthouse magazines stacked on a small table. The newest issue I could find was from 2008. As a longtime fan of Playboy interviews, I took the time to read Arianna Huffington’s thoughts on impeaching George Bush.

Despite how scuzzy the room was, I still managed to stop dry-heaving in time to get down to business. Incredibly I found it quite easy, and came within two minutes (ladies?). I handed in my sample, and I was told they would get back to me within three business days.

Incredibly, that’s where this story ends. I was never called back. I’m not kidding. That was it. I have done a lot of things in my life to make extra-cash, but nothing quite as soul crushing as trying to get someone to buy my sperm. Oh well, I never wanted kids anyway.

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